A movie drabble, for a change.

[rabidsamfan]

Because I've been wallowing in the screencaps from shadowfax8 and I haven't worked out the kinks in the "sam waking up movieverse" ficlet.

This one's inspired by the shot of Sam you can find at.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/shadowfax8/32716.html#cutid1

cap 1824… (near the bottom)



Ashes

I’ve nothing left inside. I can hear your voice, and you are glad that the task is done, but I can’t even feel that joy.

I didn’t let you fall.

But there’s nowhere left to go, except a few more feet up this bit of rock. That won’t be enough. The mountain is destroying itself, same as it destroyed the Ring.

I couldn’t let you fall.

It seemed so clear. I had to save you. I had to take your hand. But now we are here, and my head aches and my heart is numb.

Why can’t I save you?

Comments

[gtaotaku.livejournal.com]

:,-( That was so poignant. Lovely.

[rabidsamfan.livejournal.com]

Thank you! (And I love your sad smiley.)

[lame-pegasus.livejournal.com]

Very good, yes, but...The last four sentences seem somehow not really perfect, and I'll explain you, why. You write:

I couldn't let you fall. Sam knows that this is the end off all efforts, and that they will probably die, but, he could not let him fall. But the fact that he pulled him up from above the fiery gap doesn't mean that he is really able to save him (as you say in the last sentence).

But then - at least in my opinion - you should change something, here:

It seemed so clear. I had to save you. I had to take your hand.

"I had to save you?" But as you say at the end, he is not able to save him. How about:

It seemed to clear. I had to take your hand. I had to pull you up.

If you do that, you give the last sentence a completely new weight. He had to pull him up. He could not let him fall.

But he can't save him.

(I hope you don't mind my remarks. You're a brilliant writer, and you said somewhere in your LJ that you are open for critics. I think this could make this fine drabble perfect. But of course you can do what you want.)

[rabidsamfan.livejournal.com]

Of course I don't mind your remarks! I love that kind of discussion! Check out my subtitle: "Home of the endlessly revised words!"

When I am conscious I shall consider your suggestion more carefully. I used "save" the first time wanting that distinct contrast between the moment in the Sammath Naur when Sam makes that incredible effort to keep Frodo from falling and his realization on the rock that he's done so in vain.

But I like pull too.

Must get two more hours of sleep... have to work today... later...

[lame-pegasus.livejournal.com]

Good night!

[gayalondiel.livejournal.com]

Poor Sam... this has really given me shivers (in a good way, though).
*hugs*

[rabidsamfan.livejournal.com]

Thank you! *offers warm blanket*

[teasel.livejournal.com]

Great peek into Sam's mind when he reaches his lowest ebb; it's a fascinating and poignant moment. When the task he's worked so hard for is done, that's when he despairs.

If I had to vote on save vs. pull in the second to last paragraph, I'd vote for save; for me the similar language emphasizes the *reversal* that happens in Sam's mind between the moment when he's still working with his old instincts (save Frodo at all costs) and the moment when he realizes that there is nothing more he can do (he can't save Frodo). I see Sam here not so much as building slowly toward understanding as revising all his old opinions in a sudden and wrenching way.

I do like this very much as it stands. One possibility, if you're dead set on revising (though I'm not sure that's necessary): To save a word, change "you are glad" to "you're glad" in line one, and then change "Why can't I save you?" to "Why can't I save you now?" That revision might reinforce the sense of a *deliberate* contrast rather than an accidental repetition -- but perhaps at the expense of simplicity and immediacy in Sam's language.

[rabidsamfan.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm not dead set on anything when it comes to revisions. One of the joys of language to me is the subtlety with which we can express ourselves by the words we choose and the order we place them in. I've got a couple of possible muckabouts stewing in my fevered brain, but I like the original version quite a bit.

It's an interesting thing to me that this is one of the places where the movie veered most sharply from the book. In the book, Sam feels great joy, and an almost perverse optimism after the destruction of the Ring. And he's still comforting Frodo. But it's nice to see Frodo notice how much he's given up and give him a hug in the film -- I've come to like both versions.

[rabidsamfan.livejournal.com]

Okay... revision possibility...

I’ve nothing left inside. I can hear your voice, and you are glad that the task is done, but I can’t even feel that joy.

I didn’t let you fall.

But there’s nowhere left to go, except a few more feet up this bit of rock. That won’t be enough. The mountain is destroying itself, same as it destroyed the Ring.

I couldn’t let you fall.

You reached for me. I had to pull you up. I had to save you.

But now we are dying, and my head aches and my heart is numb.

Why can’t I save you?

[lame-pegasus.livejournal.com]

You reached for me. I had to pull you up. I had to save you.

It is still that use of the word save in that line that disturbs me. If you would leave that last sentence after I had to pull you up away, it would be perfect (okay - that is my opinion and it is your drabble *blushes*). But i think there should be a dramatic "crescendo" towards the end. He could not let him fall, He had to pull him up. It was his mission all the time to protect his beloved master, and to save him from harm. But now, at the end, he comes to a bitter conclusion. All his efforts seem to make no sense at "the end of all things".

He can't save him.

[rabidsamfan.livejournal.com]

What if I moved "I had to save you" all the way up to the beginning of the drabble, so that the emotional parenthesis is clearer? Would that reconcile you to the word?

I'm grinning my head off, btw. It's not often I get to wrangle words with grownups these days!

[lame-pegasus.livejournal.com]

What if I moved "I had to save you" all the way up to the beginning of the drabble, so that the emotional parenthesis is clearer?

That's much better, really (though I'd still leave it away, personally).

It's not often I get to wrangle words with grownups these days!

*scratches her head*

Why do I suddenly feel so old???

[rabidsamfan.livejournal.com]

Most of the bunnies I work with on a daily basis are 13 years old or less. "How do you spell "rabbit"? does not constitute a literary discussion...

[rabidsamfan.livejournal.com]

Decided to let "ashes" stew for a couple of days before I committed myself to any particular wording...

I'm too sleepy and jazzed (bad combination) to be revising. But there's a new one I'm posting anyway...

Re:Why can't who save whom?

[eykar.livejournal.com]

The two type-faces completely faked me out. I thought that Italic was Sam and Regular was Frodo. I thought that the "I had to save you; I had to take your hand," referred back to Anduin, at the end of FoTR. It still works that way, although it isn't what you had in mind.

Re: Why can't who save whom?

[rabidsamfan.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow -- you're right! Keen!

Thanks!