A movie drabble, for a change.

[rabidsamfan]

Because I've been wallowing in the screencaps from shadowfax8 and I haven't worked out the kinks in the "sam waking up movieverse" ficlet.

This one's inspired by the shot of Sam you can find at.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/shadowfax8/32716.html#cutid1

cap 1824… (near the bottom)



Ashes

I’ve nothing left inside. I can hear your voice, and you are glad that the task is done, but I can’t even feel that joy.

I didn’t let you fall.

But there’s nowhere left to go, except a few more feet up this bit of rock. That won’t be enough. The mountain is destroying itself, same as it destroyed the Ring.

I couldn’t let you fall.

It seemed so clear. I had to save you. I had to take your hand. But now we are here, and my head aches and my heart is numb.

Why can’t I save you?

Comments

[lame-pegasus.livejournal.com]

You reached for me. I had to pull you up. I had to save you.

It is still that use of the word save in that line that disturbs me. If you would leave that last sentence after I had to pull you up away, it would be perfect (okay - that is my opinion and it is your drabble *blushes*). But i think there should be a dramatic "crescendo" towards the end. He could not let him fall, He had to pull him up. It was his mission all the time to protect his beloved master, and to save him from harm. But now, at the end, he comes to a bitter conclusion. All his efforts seem to make no sense at "the end of all things".

He can't save him.

[rabidsamfan.livejournal.com]

What if I moved "I had to save you" all the way up to the beginning of the drabble, so that the emotional parenthesis is clearer? Would that reconcile you to the word?

I'm grinning my head off, btw. It's not often I get to wrangle words with grownups these days!

[lame-pegasus.livejournal.com]

What if I moved "I had to save you" all the way up to the beginning of the drabble, so that the emotional parenthesis is clearer?

That's much better, really (though I'd still leave it away, personally).

It's not often I get to wrangle words with grownups these days!

*scratches her head*

Why do I suddenly feel so old???

[rabidsamfan.livejournal.com]

Most of the bunnies I work with on a daily basis are 13 years old or less. "How do you spell "rabbit"? does not constitute a literary discussion...

[rabidsamfan.livejournal.com]

Decided to let "ashes" stew for a couple of days before I committed myself to any particular wording...

I'm too sleepy and jazzed (bad combination) to be revising. But there's a new one I'm posting anyway...