Why I should not be allowed into kitchens...

[rabidsamfan]

Experimented with Welsh rabbit to go along with the experimental White Zinfandel I bought (I'm a teetotaller normally, but I'm researching a story.)

Okay. Forgot to buy porter when I got the Zinfandel, so I popped around to the little liquor store in the square. I asked for porter and the little Chinese lady behind the counter just blinked at me. "Beer," I expanded and she pointed me at the coolers with a very vague wave. There was something called itself porter, but they wanted me to buy the sixpack and that wasn't worth it. I ended up buying a can of Guinness, which is stout, but probably from the right islands, right?

Printed out the recipe from Alton Brown. Realized I forgot the cream, again, but I had a jar of English clotted cream I meant to use up months ago in the fridge. It's cream, right? And I didn't feel like going out again.

So, assemble ingredients. Dry mustard, got it. Worcestershire sauce -- just enough at the bottom of the bottle. Kosher salt, ditto. Pepper -- well, it ain't fresh ground, but it'll do. Butter. Toast. Get that ready first. Flour... pry flour out of freezer, which is icing over again dammit, and try to remember that I need to go to Sears and find out about a new gasket. Refrigerator is less than five years old, but the darn freezer just won't stay sealed. Butter -- yup. Measure things into cups like Alton does so I don't have to try to do it later. Shred cheddar. All set? Put the butter in the saucepan and start whisking in the... dammit I forgot to measure the flour.

Quickly get flour from bag and add to already melted and starting to turn brown butter. Whisk like a madwoman. 2 minutes and the stuff isn't going to turn brown yet? Alton are you mad? Wait, he's got it on medium heat and I'm remembering a different roux recipe. Too late, add the worcestershire salt and pepper and then the beer and turn down the heat while opening the clotted cream.

Clotted. My god, it isn't clotted, it's SOLID! A spatula won't do it, it takes a steak knife to start persuading this stuff out of the jar and into my dark brown mess. Turn the heat off entirely and keep persuading, stirring now and then to try to get the cream to melt. (Which it does, actually.) At this point there's no hope, so add the cheese anyway a bit at a time, stirring and stirring and well, it doesn't taste absolutely awful... oops, add the mustard and the hot... what hot sauce? Alton!!! Oh, there it is, right in the ingredients list. 2 drops. I must have hot sauce here somewhere, but for two drops, I'll be a wimp.

Cut up the toast on the plate and spoon... er... squidge the lumpy cheese stuff onto it. There's way too much for any human being to eat, so leave that to settle on the turned off burner. Fetch out little bitty bottle of White Zinfandel...

Eat. Drink.

Think.

Well, it's not actually awful... Might be a good combination when made by someone who knows what he's doing. Maybe.

And the remaining cheese sauce may be okay -- it got a lot less lumpy left to its own. i'll add a bit of milk to it and heat it up again later this week to try again.

But on the whole... well... maybe I should stick to frozen food.

Comments

[surgicalsteel.livejournal.com]

Okay, first of all, white zin? *shudders*

I'm not a wine snob, really (although H's husband is), but white zin? If you'd used a really good sharp cheddar, then a nice red could actually marry quite well - a cab, maybe. Or a sangiovese. Or a zinfandel (not white zin). *shakes head*

The stout/porter substitution was likely OK - the two are actually fairly similar to my palate (but I'm not a lover of dark beer, so hubby might say differently).

I'm actually a fairly compulsive cook, I like to have everything out and measured and everything before I start. I've seen that recipe and it looks quite good...

Oh, my. Shall I come down and cook for you some weekend?

[rubynye.livejournal.com]

*finishes giggling*

OK, one day I should come over and make Welsh Rabbit for you.

[shirebound]

Good for you, for trying something new!

[slipperieslope.livejournal.com]

((hugs))

Adventures in cooking! You might want to try the cheating recipe with American cheese, beer, French's mustard and soy sauce. Or better yet, Stouffer's Welsh Rarebit! Heat and eat! You so brave!

[dreamflower]

*giggle* You do sound as if you had quite an adventure. Perhaps you need Sam to come in and cook for you--I'll bet he makes a great Shirish rarebit!

[claudia603.livejournal.com]

Perhaps a story should be in line about Sam's first cooking experience! :-)

Well, at least you can say you tried it! :-)

[serai1.livejournal.com]

*snorfle* Fun in the kitchen! I take it you didn't know that clotted cream is just the British name for sour cream?

And it's Welsh rarebit, not rabbit. 'Sokay, though. I found out when I made the mistake of asking a British friend why the recipe didn't have any rabbit listed in the ingredients, and she nearly died laughing at me.

[(Anonymous)]

Disappointing it did not turn out as well as Alton's.
To cheer you up - the second season of the Muppet Show was released on dvd this week. I owe finding the first season to your mentioning it on your lj.

[lame-pegasus.livejournal.com]

That was brave. *giggles* And if the clotted cream had already turned into something solid, I can only hope it was still ok. *scratches head* Must try to find a recipe for that sauce, for now I'm really curious. *grins*

[clevertoad.livejournal.com]

One of the secrets to good cooking is to actually use the ingredients that the expert cook has given you in the recipe. At least the first time you try the recipe! That's why I'm not a good cook, I fake it too and then look at the results in puzzled indignation and murmur, "Gee, it looked so good in the book...?"

Loved the description of the adventure -- you shall have to use some of that in the story itself, you know. Great excuse to get slightly sloshed, though it's going to take those two topers a lot more wine and porter to get to the point of indiscretion. Count your experience with minor intoxication as grist for the mill and just drink at home. (And picture your teetotalling mother toddling around her grandson's wedding with a cocktail in hand, having the time of her life while she shows off his baby pictures and talks to everybody she recognizes.)

Great stuff, Maynard, even if the rabbit didn't come out as planned.

Oooh, Muppets? Have to get my hands on that someday soon! Do you remember Crystal Gayle on that show -- "We are the crew bound for Alpha Centauri / We must be out of our minds...'

[melilot-hill.livejournal.com]

Sounds like quite an adventure LOL. The first time I try out a new recipe I (almost) always follow it to the letter. It's not until the second time I start to experiment. Unless the recipe calls for something I can't have. I hope it'll go better next time :-)