OK. In reading the story, I mostly noticed an overuse of the passive verb, which tends to flatten the impact of the sentence. You could change at least 60% of these to active verbs easily, which (I think) would make the phrasing more engaging. Other than that, I noticed one or two small things (single occurences, I think), but I'll have to look for them again this evening after work.

Love the story, though. :)